1: to cause to be confused emotionally [syn: bewilder, bemuse, discombobulate, throw]
2: to be confused, disconcerted or perplexed; to be unable to think clearly.
I am discombobulated.
I have been through an intense experience (the yoga teacher training course mentioned in my last post) and I have come home straight into another set of intense experiences (starting a new job as well as various other family changes happening at the same time).
I have had no time, either during the teacher training course (TTC), or since I got home, to sit back and reflect on what these experiences have meant to me. I think the course has had a profound effect on me. I think that the effects will be lasting and deep. But I cannot yet say what they are or quite how they will change me.
I had imagined, before I went, that I would keep a diary of my time during TTC, and that I would come home full of details and anecdotes, enthusiastic and bursting to share my experience.
Instead, I find myself tongue tied, unable to articulate what I think or how I feel.
I am reminded of the ways in which my illness (pneumonia) a year ago influenced and changed me. Sometimes I feel as though I am constantly banging on about that illness, and I worry that I am in danger of defining myself partly through it. But, being so severely ill did profoundly affect me, and in ways that I am still discovering. It caused me, consciously and unconsciously, to examine myself and to think about what I wanted to have more, or less of, in my life. I would not have started running had I not been so ill, and I would not have dreamed of becoming a yoga teacher. I would probably not have applied for, and got, jobs that I wanted. It has, however, also left me with a legacy of feeling betrayed by my body, and a sense that I cannot quite put the trust in it that I used to.
Similarly, I suspect that it may take some time before I discover what the effects of the yoga TTC have been.
There were some moments that were truly magical. Hiking above the clouds on the alps at dawn with the sun just touching the tips of the mountains is unbelievably awe inspiring. There were other times that were incredibly tough: people cried and shouted, argued and flounced. It seemed as though there was someone or other doing at least one of these things at least once a day.
Life has been so manic since I got back that it was only yesterday, traveling to work and listening to some chanting on my ipod, that it really hit me how much I miss the ashram, and what a deep level of serenity I came to experience there. I miss the people too, both my fellow students and the gentle, wise, and sometimes unworldly Swamis who taught us. There were a few people whose company was a constant challenge to me, and others with whom I would gladly go back and live tomorrow. But I have shared an experience with all of them that is hard to explain and describe to others who were not there.
I think, and I hope, that some of the friendships I formed there will make the transition back into our ‘real’ lives, and will prove to be lasting ones.
So, it is good to be back. It is good to be back in the bosom of my family, in the company of my friends and in the arms of my man. It is good to be in London again, good to be working again, good to be knitting again and good, at last, to be blogging again.
But I am also sad to have left behind me this precious, extraordinary, life-changing experience. I am thrown into confusion as to what it all has meant, and what it might turn out to mean.
I am discombobulated.
My yoga teacher training was like that, too. Hard to explain to someone who was not there. And yes, there were difficult people, arguments and flouncing. That was a surprise to me!
Good luck in your new job. Just let everything percolate awhile.
The view certainly now isn’t as beautiful as the mountains. I hope you feel combobulated soon and have some time to relax and journalize how you’re feeling now to help you make sense of it all. The yoga training must’ve been a grand experience. Congratulations on that.
beautiful! You can tell from the photos the intensity balanced perfectly next to the serenity. I’m not surprised it’s had such a profound impact on you.
congratulations on all your achievements – it sounds like it’s been a pretty full on ride thus far and look how far you’ve come!
welcome back to blogging, too
Goodness me. I totally get, I think, some of what you’re talknig about. I imagine coming down from the mountain, so to speak, is a really mixed bag of emotion and experience. We all know you can’t live on the mountain, but when you’ve had that kind of experience, you don’t want to forget it either. It’s assimilating it into your ‘real’ life that’s the key and I think you’re working through that now. It’s bound to be challenging in all sorts of ways and I reckon the fun is in working out how to marry it all. But some of that will only be apparent after the fact, too, I think.
ps more photos!
It is lovely tohave you back. I can imagine it must be the most surreal feeling trying to intergrate thAt amazing experience into the bustle of life back in the city. Imagine how much nicer a big city would be if everyone had done it!
What an amazing experience! I’m new to your blog so was unaware of your illness, but I think I understand what you mean by being betrayed by your body. It sounds like you live a more healthy and contemplative life as a result, and that is a good thing!
I was just wondering how you were doing! I can only imagine what an intense experience your training was, and it seems to make sense that it will take time to sink in and reveal it’s whole impact – If it were easy to identify and articulate it maybe would not have been so valuable. Congratulations on completing your training and on your new job – And I am sure that your family is very pleased to have you home again! That scenery is positively breathtaking.
Oh my goodness, the location is just amazing – and inspiring – I can’t imagine flouncing whilst there, but I believe you about it happening (it’s bound to, when you get a bunch of people together in such an intense environment for such a long time).
I’ve been wondering when you would post again, and I’m not surprised you are feeling discombobulated. It’s a lot of changes and things to think about so it won’t surprise me if it takes you a while to come to grips with it all.
Congrats on the new job too – I hope we’ll hear about it and the other changes soon (oh, and I don’t think you bang on about your illness, don’t worry about that!)
It’s very good to have you back!
But your view nowadays is awfully lovely! I could only imagine that working there would be, in its own way, extremely fulfilling. Welcome back to (real?) life.
welcome back. sounds great.
Welcome back :o) I don’t think I’d like you if you weren’t discombobulated by all this!
Congratulations on the new job and I hope you’ll share more of your yoga experience as it settles in your mind
Oh that was supposed to be a
Oh and I know something that’s good for giving you some brain space – knitting
Welcome back – I’ve missed you.
The BM is a mountain of a different kind, but wow – your photos from the ashram are amazing. What a year it has been for you – what a journey!
Welcome back. I look forward to seeing where your path now leads you. Hope you keep that feeling from the retreat with you. Sometimes being in clouds and on the mountains is really the only time you’re rooted to the earth.
Its nice to see you back. The yoga retreat looked amazing. I am sure it will take a while to sort your thoughts and feelings out especially with starting a new job. x
time to be away…time to return…
you will come together peacefully..;))
glad you are back.
welcome back! i have missed you!
somthime when we go on important and difficult journeys – we change but we don’t know quite how or how much
time will unfold it all.
and it will all come together.
i have been off-line for a bit, needed to rearrange myself inwardly. needed to center myself deep within me, stop and reflect- be completely still and contracted. now i feel slowly ready again to come out and create, share and communicate again.
hope all will be clearer to you soon
Lovely to know that you have been delivered home safely and inspired by your time in the mountains. Sounds like some journey that you have been on… and still traveling too. Hope all goes well at the BM.
Welcome back – it looks like a wonderful and life-changing experience. The mountains alone would have left me in awe.
Such beautiful photos! I could go for a little yoga in my life right now, ahhh.
wow wee, I feel the need to experience this…amazing